Torn Between the Flowers and Filth
How does one reconcile the evils and injustices so apparent in our world, especially in a place like Cambodia, while still recognizing the beauty inherent in the world as well? Not just recognizing the beauty, but delighting in it! I used to feel like I lived my life split between two adjacent rooms. One room was filled with mountains of garbage and disgusting filth. This room stank with depravity and injustice. The crap piles went on for miles and there I stood at the doorway, armed with one small toothbrush. My mission: to begin clean-up work in the name and strength of the Lord! The other room is a beautiful garden, abundant with flowers of varying sizes, smells and colors. This room is a delight to all senses and it is not hard to feel happy in this place, at least for a time. Yet, I felt torn between these two rooms in my soul. I know I cannot live in the garbage room- I would quickly grow weary and drown under the weight and smell of the troubles. It is healthy to go into the flower room, but to stay there and ignore the garbage room next door and the work to be done there would be an injustice in itself. The flower room would cease to fulfill my heart, for my heart would know. Yet, how can I enjoy these flowers when I am so acutely aware of the work to be done next door? “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances. This is the will of God through Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thes. 5:16-18). I am not called to live in depression from the garbage of this world; I am called to live in a constant spirit of rejoicing- but how?? How much time is too much time in either room?
Recently, I had a new thought. Perhaps I do not need to choose between the two rooms. I’m no longer in the garbage room or the flower room- immersed in the filth of evil or the sweetness of life. The rooms are all one. I am walking down a path. On both sides of me is the waste piles of filth and garbage intermixed with the gorgeous flowers. I am to delight in these flowers while acknowledging the grossness I see too- yet not allowing the bad to taint the good. At times I am asked by the Holy Spirit to stop and get my hands dirty with some clean-up work. Sometimes, I’m asked to jump in to the filth pile neck-deep, and other times I’m asked to continue walking forward past the pile- not pretending some piles don’t exist but knowing I’m not called upon to be in every cleanup/ restoration project. That would be impossible for one person anyways! Yet, there is no formula for knowing which pile I am to work on and when I am to keep moving forward on the path. The “formula” isdependency on the Only One who has the master restoration plan. I must listen carefully. He does not Need me, but he desires incredibly to use me- more than that, God delights to work through me!
So here is my prayer:
Lord, teach me to listen. Help me not to jump into projects You are not calling me to or to drown myself in the piles. May I keep my eyes fixed on your Son, Jesus Christ- my only Hope and sustaining light midst the pain and suffering; midst the darkness. To Your Glory.
~Jenny
