Prepare my heart, Lord, for these next two years in Cambodia. Continue your excavation work; removing the filthy build up of issues not fully dealt with in my life and exposing wounds which have never fully healed. I know the digging will be painful, but your healing balm is gentle. Disinfecting my wounds may bring me to my knees in pain, but untreated infections will result in far greater and more permanent damage. Your divine touch on these broken places of my heart brings restoration. From restoration comes fulfillment and unspeakable joy.
I’ve prayed this prayer many times this summer. My mind acknowledges with enthusiasm the truthsbehind these statements and my excitement for God to do his work, yet it is amazing the resistance that occurs when not just my mind, but my feelings begin to acknowledge these words as well. Excavation starts and suddenly I can feel the painful digging and wonder if I’d better stop the process all together.
I ran track all four years in high school. I knew from the very beginning this would require a lot of training and conditioning. It was one thing for my coach to tell me the work out, “today you’re going to run 4- 400 meter sprints, 3-300 meter sprints, 4- 200 meter sprints, and 10- 100 meter sprints.” Ok, yeah, let’s do this! Running these sprints will build up my muscles and allow me to compete at my best ability! Next thing I know I’m sprinting down the track and wondering why in the world I would ever voluntarily choose to do track…a sport that revolves around running to exhaustion… nonstop! This is insanity and I chose it! Let me tell you that when our girls team stood on the podium at the state finals meet holding our first place trophy, I was thankful for every sprint! It had been a very painful process at times, but the victory was so much greater.
I ran track all four years in high school. I knew from the very beginning this would require a lot of training and conditioning. It was one thing for my coach to tell me the work out, “today you’re going to run 4- 400 meter sprints, 3-300 meter sprints, 4- 200 meter sprints, and 10- 100 meter sprints.” Ok, yeah, let’s do this! Running these sprints will build up my muscles and allow me to compete at my best ability! Next thing I know I’m sprinting down the track and wondering why in the world I would ever voluntarily choose to do track…a sport that revolves around running to exhaustion… nonstop! This is insanity and I chose it! Let me tell you that when our girls team stood on the podium at the state finals meet holding our first place trophy, I was thankful for every sprint! It had been a very painful process at times, but the victory was so much greater.The victory of winning state lasted but minutes; the victory God wants to bring will last for eternity. Thejoy of holding the state championship trophy cannot compare to the joy of being made more and more like Christ. The reason is because God wants GOOD for His children. Being more like Christ will bring us the joy that we desperately crave and long for. Everyone in this world is seeking happiness of some sort- and ironically the happiness of being more like Christ is exactly what would meet every person’s deepest desire. However, the training and conditioning process often causes people to think “this is insane, why would I choose this” and drop out. “I’ll train for the race my own way!” Ok, good luck… there will not be victory in your “own way.” Only in God’s way.
Why does God want to dig up old hurts and painful issues in our lives? Because he LOVES us. “God’s love is not a pampering love; it’s a perfecting love” (James McDonald).
Elizabeth Elliot said, “Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. God will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process” (Passion and Purity).
Ask God to show you skeletons in your life that need to be dug out. Ask him to show you wounds on your heart that have never fully healed. Come face to face with these issues and allow the Lord to begin his excavation process.
A word on beginning this process: I said that once my feelings began to get involved resistance came. I was tempted to quickly turn my feelings off and bury the issues. I want to share a few things that helped me and insights I’ve been learning about healing.
- There were several issues from when I was a little girl and growing up that I thought had already been resolved. I could see how God had worked through the painful experiences and had even protected me through these experiences as well. I resisted feeling hurt about them again because that seemed irrational to me- it was over and done with, why should I deal with it again? Wrong. The fact that the feelings were arising meant something had not been dealt with. I needed to start by validating the 5 year old me, 10 year old me, etc. Acknowledging that I had been wronged and hurt. Doing this allowed me to see how some of these same hurts had come up again in recent years of my life through new situations. A person hurt me in the same way I had been hurt when I was 10 and that triggered past insecurities and deepened my wound. I needed to dig to the root, even though I thought I had dealt with it, because it was now affecting my present relationships.
- Healing doesn’t come in isolation. Not only did I need to acknowledge these past issues and scars and feel the emotions from them, but I needed to allow others I trusted to enter into these places of brokenness with me. On Tuesday, that was my mom and sister-in-law. Listening to my hurts– hurting with me, crying with me, acknowledging the pain and speaking comfort and understanding into each situation. Even though they had nothing to do with the hurtful situations themselves, they helped breathe healing into them.
- If you can- share your heart and brokenness with the person who hurt you– even if you’ve already talked it out with them in the past. Again, if it is still causing hurt then you must press on to a deeper root: the issue is not yet resolved. The point is not to make them feel guilty again about past issues or make them feel as if you are withholding forgiveness- they don’t need to feel guilty because Christ died for that sin and they are free from the weight of it. The point is to ask them to enter into that broken place again with you and really acknowledge and validate your hurt. To show that they hurt with you, not because they feel guilty, but because they love you so much and hurt when you hurt. Jesus said, “mourn with those who mourn… rejoice with those who rejoice.” (Romans 12:15) We can and should enter into places of the heart with people. The result of this kind of response is that “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Healing is at work and the hurt of the sins truly melts away.
Lord, help me to embrace difficult feelings and emotions. May I allow you to bring healing to the broken places of my life as I walk with women in Cambodia on their journey of restoration and healing as well. Even the broken pieces of my life, when surrendered to you, Lord, can have life breathed into them- these broken pieces can be used to further Your kingdom and bring You glory.
Dearest Jenny, I love reading your blog posts! They are so real, so genuine, so Christ-centered. You are so willing to let Him guide you and do His work in you! I feel so blessed to read along as you follow Him to Cambodia! I’m praying for you!
I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts and those on your team. It’s so exciting to see that the things God is walking you through now are going to be used to heal the wounds of the woman that you will soon encounter.
This is a great process and brings out so much Joy from the Lord. I can’t wait to read more of your blogs.
I feel like you wrote this blog for me, Jenny :). I love you and I’m so glad we get to do life together. Thanks for being one of those people I can share brokenness with.
Wow. It’s mind boggling to me just how much you’re learning on your own…through what God is teaching you. This blog is great… I mean, all your blogs are great, really. But this one, this one blows the others out of the water I think. They’re all unique in their own ways, but dang Jenny! Maybe it’s that this one hit home with me more than the others, but it’s like an exact summary of what I have been learning, as well as trying to do, while I’m here at L.A.
I love the prayers at the beginning and end of this. I’m so glad that you hit on the difference between the “mind” versus “feelings” thing too. That is what I am struggling with right now…getting out of my head and into my heart so that God can truly work in my life. The resistance towards feelings that you describe seems to be full force in my life right now. My feelings are shut off…so that is a problem too. But we are praying and believing that the walls are being broken down and I will be seeing breakthrough imminently.
“Healing doesn’t come in isolation” is powerful. Perhaps that is an underlying theme of why community is so stressed at TIU. I never really understood it until the last year I was there…and actually began to enter into community more. It’s important. So important.
I love you so much, Jenny Rasmussen. And I am so blessed that we are friends. My prayers and support are with you fully as you embark on this new journey/chapter in your life.
Dear Jenny,
I will pray this beautiful prayer with you and for you
Lord, help Jenny to embrace difficult feelings and emotions. May she allow you to bring healing to the broken places of her life as she walks with women in Cambodia on their journey of restoration and healing. Even the broken pieces of her life, when surrendered to you, Lord, can have life breathed into them- use these broken pieces to further Your kingdom and bring You glory. Amen.
It was wonderful meeting you this past weekend. God will indeed use your brokenness to bring glory to His name and He will do great things through you in Cambodia! I have NO doubt about it.
Love, Kathy
What you say about getting to the root sounds wise. And when we can’t seem to find the roots, it’s nice that God can help us.
AND:
I’m so happy and proud you are my sister. I LOVE YOU!