Jenny Rasmussen - Serving the Kingdom Through Missions

A Different Kind of Love Story

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 00:00:00 GMT

People are drawn to love stories. “How did you two meet? What is your story?” We’re captivated by the romance and hooked by the uniqueness of each individual’s tale. There is something about seeing a couple- advanced in years- walking and holding hands that stirs people’s hearts and makes them long for that same kind of life long companionship. When we are young, we search and search for that special person who we can grow old with.

On Thursday, I was told a different kind of love story…
My Khmer teacher, Kenal, shared with me the story of her own parents. Their marriage had been arranged by the leader of the Khmer Rouge- Pol Pot himself! In the span of 4 years, this man led the Khmer Rouge to murder over 1.7 million fellow Khmer people because he sought to create a new- utopia-type civilization in Cambodia. Kenal’s own father was in his young twenties when he was forced into hard labor in the country side of Cambodia. His own parents were killed along with 3 siblings. In order to survive, he would steal food and divide it between himself and his two sisters. Pol Pot then selected him to get married to another selected partner and he was among 40 other couples who participated in the mass marriage procedure for that day. No wedding celebration- simply the legalities, because Pol Pot wanted them to have children.

“If Pol Pot led his army to kill thousands of people, including babies and children, why would he want to arrange all these marriages?” I asked Kenal.

“He killed everyone who was educated. Now he wanted to start over and manipulate the new generation of babies and children that would come from these marriages.” She replied.

Her mom and dad had never met before they were forced into “life-long commitment”.

It’s been almost 30 years. In a time when the divorce rate is nearly 50% we all the more celebrate couples who have been married for 30 years! While the story of Kenal’s parents is shocking it is also beautiful. They worked hard in a relationship they had no choice in and grew to love each other deeply. The fruit of their labor spreads farther than they will ever know! Their daughter has played an important role in my time here in Cambodia and I love studying with her each morning. (Emphasis on the with her, rather than the studying ) I seriously cannot imagine being here without Kenal! I am thankful that God protected her mom and dad and brought them together in a different, yet beautiful love story.

Ruffling Feathers

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 00:00:00 GMT

“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
1 Sam. 16:7

Why is it that man is never called to judge, but only to love? Is it because there is nothing worth judging? Of course not! Evil is Real. Sin is Real. Judgment is called for, but man is not given that responsibility- Judgment is reserved for the Creator himself, and it makes sense why. Only God, who created hearts, who knows the inner depths of hearts, could possibly be able to actually judge hearts. As humans, we tend to judge the heart based on the external appearance because that is all our limited vision can see. Our job; MY job- to Love. (**Qualifier- love is not synonymous with ignoring issues or being passive when you see a person you care about engaging in wrongful activity. Love is not blind- it chooses to see the “dirt” and accept the person where they are at. It chooses to enter into the mess and journey forward.)

Let me tell you about a heart that I love...
Bong Peul (not actual name) was recently promoted to team leader in his department. I have watched him step up and really take this position seriously. He works hard and is doing an incredible job. When I see him, he greets me with a huge smile and friendly hello. He has a pleasant spirit and kind heart. During workshop on Thursday, Bong Peul shared how he believes that God has a plan for his life and has the right person for him. He believes that one day he will get married and have a family… Bong Peul has thick, long hair that comes almost all the way down his back. His nails are often painted, and his tight fitting “Cute Girls” shirt with skinny jeans appears to be a favorite outfit. From an outside stance, one would look at Bong Peul and simply identify that he’s a ladyboy, or transgender. This “identity” has caused him to be ostracized, belittled, and abused. Mistreated. Misunderstood. and Misjudged.

“Back up a second, didn’t you say that he believes in God? Why is he still dressing like a girl, why is he still acting like a girl? I thought he said he wanted a wife and family?” Let me pause here a moment: I can hardly tell you just how much I am learning and how much more I crave to learn! I’m just in the beginning stages, but want to share part of this journey of learning and my own convictions. I know this topic is controversial and has the potential to raise a lot of blood pressures, but I would rather ruffle some feathers, agree to disagree, or have some healthy pushback than simply not talk about the topic because it’s messy.

I’m currently reading a book by a man named Andrew Comiskey, who shares his own story about engaging in a lifestyle of homosexuality and his journey to Christ and pursuing sexual wholeness. “Journey” and “wholeness” – these words do not describe a simple or orderly process for anyone; neither does anyone fully “arrive” at either in this life. However, that does not diminish God’s power to heal hearts and lead lives. Comiskey’s story has been challenging and enlightening for me.
He says, “defining a person as a homosexual seems to give homosexual feelings inordinate power to identify them.” Instead of referring to people as “homosexual”, he says that the individual has “homosexual tendencies” or “feelings”. The “feelings” are not the same as the person. I had never thought of this separation before, but it is profound, not just in regards to homosexuality but for any struggle a person might have.

Jealousy, discontentment, pride… these are all feelings which I discover frequently trying to take hold of my mind and heart. I do not wear these feelings externally, like Bong Peul in his favorite girl-style clothes, and I often hide behind the false pretense that what cannot be physically seen is not actually there. Or, what cannot be seen is at least not as bad…But what happens when I allow the mirror to penetrate to my insides and expose the feelings within? Am I doomed to simply be a jealous person my whole life? Discontent person? Prideful person? Do those feelings define who I am?
What if someone came to me and said, “Jenny, you can’t help that you feel discontentment. That’s just how God made you and you need to come out of the closet and embrace who you are- a discontent person…”

"Hm.." I think to myself, "well God created me, so that must mean if I am a discontent person at my core then he created me this way and he said everything he created is good, so being a discontent person must actually be ok… even Good for me!"
Recognize this logic? I may struggle with feelings of discontentment, but that does not mean that I am a discontent person. Those feelings may be so strong within me and a constant temptation and struggle- but I am not the same as those feelings.

It appears to me that society’s attempts to set people free as “homosexuals” actually does the opposite- it binds them to a particular set of feelings and implies that those feelings are a part of the root of their identity. To deny their feelings would be to deny who they are! So a person who may already be wrestling with who they are and what is “normal” may feel all the more pressured and confused by the message that they Are what they Feel.

Let’s add Christianity to the mix and the issue becomes even more complicated and confusing for people. The person with homosexual feelings is told that homosexual relations are wrong and simultaneously told- if you feel homosexual attraction then that is who you are. They are left to conclude that who they are at their core is wrong if they follow the Christian way. They see no place for themselves in Christianity because how can they stop being who they are? I think the answer is not to deny the feelings or declare that the feelings are even wrong, but to deny that the person’s identity is tied to any set of feelings they have, sexual or other.

Let’s acknowledge these homosexual feelings and help individuals who desire differently learn how to respond to their feelings in a way that honors the Lord, the same way I need to respond to my feelings of jealousy, discontentment or pride in a way that honors the Lord. Suppressing feelings or glorifying them are extremes to be avoided.

Why the Glorification??
I think society’s tendency to glorify the “homosexual” rises out of defense for real people who have been marginalized, mistreated, and abused due to a common link of same-sex attraction. What if all the “jealous people” were grouped up and abused too? The treatment is wrong. Period. But defending mistreated people does not mean glorifying the very thing for which they are mistreated. Mistreatment and homosexual feelings are two separate categories.

One is always wrong.
The mistreatment.

The latter should be taken for what it is. Feelings.
Having feelings and acting on feelings are two very different categories.

Let’s set individuals free by not binding them to their feelings.
Let’s not run away from people who feel feelings that are foreign to feelings we personally experience.

Let’s not assume that all feelings lead to action.

Who I am is set- created by God. I cannot change who I am, but I can change my response to feelings.

Instead of anger- love. Instead of jealousy- thankfulness. Instead of pride-humility.

Only through the power of Jesus! I am not suggesting the feelings are not Powerful! However, they are not the person.

“Intense sexual feeling cannot alone determine what is basically true about one’s sexuality and one’s humanity in general… the power of the feelings at hand must be faced. And having faced it, each struggler needs to submit the reality of those impulses to the Creator, to grant Him His rightful place as Lord and Redeemer of the struggle” (Comiskey)

“People with a heterosexual orientation are no less fallen than those with homosexual tendencies” (Comiskey)

It has been said to me, “Jenny, I can dress like a boy and act like a boy on the outside, but that doesn’t change how I feel inside. I only feel 10% of a man nature…”
“Jenny, I would like to be a man again, please pray I stop having the love for the men…”

What do you do when you have conflicting desires? You want to respond in love but all you feel is anger? You want to act with patience but all you feel is irritation? You want to be a man, but all you feel is girl?

God does not wait for the “angry person” to stop feeling angry before he comes to them. God does not wait for the “impatient person” to rid themselves of all impatience before he comes. God is not judging Bong Peul by the clothes he wears, but rather, God is most interested in his Heart. Dressing like a boy, getting a boy style haircut… these are good actions only if they are manifestations of the state of the heart. They are virtually meaningless if separated from the heart, if they are just a means to please others and conform to the expectations of others.

Bong Peul is learning more about the God who created him and loves him; right now, right where he is at, regardless of hair or dress. Bong Peul is an inspiration to me. He has a hope for a future which contradicts current feelings, current desires, current struggles. Isn’t that what faith is? Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see? The journey may be long, it may be intense and full of deep valleys, but it is a journey that God will not abandon. I am incredibly honored to be a small part of that journey.

Man sees a ladyboy. God sees his Radiant son.

Enter My Brain At Your Own Risk

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

As Laura and I were running, our arms swinging back and forth driving us forward, I thought about how strange body parts would look if they weren’t “normal”. For example; what if it wasn’t normal to have two arms or any arms at all? If it was normal for humans not to have any arms, and one day I met someone with two arms, I would probably look at them with extreme disgust and curiosity. “Ewe, that person has two really long branches of skin coming out of their sides!” I mean, really, it would probably appear grotesque! But that is only because I would be accustomed to human beings not having arms at all.

These thoughts caused me to flashback to pictures I had seen at the Vietnam War Remnants museum in Vietnam back in October. The pictures were of children who had been affected by the poisonous gas bombs dropped by the U.S during the war. Men and women who were exposed to this gas had children born with extreme deformities. I was horrified when I saw these pictures. I never knew that a person could survive and live with such deformities. I never knew that the human body could create such extreme and “abnormal” mutations.

Next, my mind flashed to scenes from “The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.” Our team had recently watched this movie, and of course Narnia is a land full of “abnormal”, yet wonderful creatures. I thought of Tumnus, the fawn. Body of a man, legs of an animal, and two horns coming out of his head. He becomes a beloved character in the story, yet what would it be like if I saw Tumnus in the U.S today? (or anywhere in the world really.) It would be like seeing a person with 2 arms if you are accustomed to not having arms at all.

Then this question came into my head: I wonder if those men and women who were affected by the poisonous gas, if the men and women born with extreme deformities actually more closely resemble heavenly beings than my own “normal” body? The one head, 2 arms, 2 legs, torso model of a being may only represent one small class of created beings in God’s country. Isn’t that why C.S. Lewis creates so many types of beings in the world of Narnia? Because our God is not limited to one cookie cutter mold? I find myself pitying these people because they don’t get to look like me and experience some of the things in life that I deem to be what make life great, yet perhaps my vision is just stuck in one tiny ruby amidst a galaxy of jewels. I am not trying to minimize some of the devastating affects that resulted from the gas bombs and from the deformities themselves. I am trying to expand my understanding of a big God who is not restricted by our limited vision and perspective of “normalcy”.

Revelation 4:6-8
“In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying:
“Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,’
who was, and is, and is to come.”

Creatures covered in eyes, some with 6 wings also covered in eyes?? EWE! Honestly, that sounds so strange and unattractive to me, but why? Because I have two eyes and I have never seen a person with more than two eyes. God is going to blow my mind when He introduces me to all of his creation! So, next time I meet someone who looks a little different from the “standard” human, I need to give thanks! Perhaps, I have been given the privilege of meeting a Heavenly being.

Ordinary Yet Not So Ordinary Day

Mon, 9 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

The past month I have felt frozen in regard to blogging and even general communication with friends and family back home. Every day here is just a new day walking with Jesus. Sometimes these days bring extraordinary challenges and other times the challenges seem quite ordinary. Big or small, the challenges are real and always moving me towards becoming more of my real self; more of who God created me to be. Every day is filled with different joys, again, extraordinary and seemingly ordinary. Every day I have numerous reasons to give thanks to God. Yet when it comes to sharing these joys and challenges sometimes I feel like I have a million stories and insights to share and nothing to say at the same time. Thus, I have felt frozen and I am sorry! Let me just share with you about one day here in Cambodia. An ordinary day made extraordinary simply because it is another day of God’s presence and active work in my life and lives of people around me, even when that work is unseen.

Welcome to Monday, January 2^nd in the life of Jenny Rasmussen. The alarm went off at 5:43 a.m.and I woke up feeling crabby and annoyed that I had to wake up before the sun, my Khmer neighbors and even the roosters themselves! I walked groggily down the stairs and joined the rest of my team for morning prayer. “Ok, Lord, I’m truly desperate for you this morning” I thought, “I need your strength and attitude for this day because I’ve got nothing but crankiness inside of myself.” You know, it’s also really hard to

complain about anything while reading “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Tenboom. Corrie tells her story ofbeing in one of the worst concentration camps with her sister, Betsie, in Ravensbruck, Germany during the Holocaust. On Sunday, I had just read about Betsie telling Corrie that they needed to give thanks in ALL circumstances, and so they needed to thank God for everything they could in the concentration camp. If Corrie and Betsie could thank God for the fleas in their concentration camp then I certainly should have no difficulty in thanking God for an opportunity to wake up before the sun and reflect on all of the blessings and gifts he has lavished on me! By the end of prayer time I felt renewed in my spirit and ready to head out the gates of our house; first destination- Khmer class.

9:30 a.m.-Heather, Laura and I got on our bikes and headed to Olympic Stadium for a morning run. Riding bikes here feels a little like being in a video game.
The goal of the game- get to your destination without running into anything or anything running into you.
The obstacles- lots of motos rushing around, other bicyclists, large cars, people walking, parked cars on the side of the road, and random potholes in the road.
Both Laura and Heather were riding ahead of me and I was pedaling along when suddenly a car door was opened in my face, and without time to swerve around the door, I found myself falling, as if in slow motion, into the middle of the street. God’s protection was strong around me, because there were no other motos or cars coming at that time, and I quickly hopped up and got out of the street. The guy who owned the car felt awful and apologized profusely. I was shaken up but ok and told him that God protected me and that it was alright. I got back on my bike and returned home, where I realized the gate was locked, I had no keys, and the girls didn’t have their phones. “This is an opportunity to let someone help you,” I thought. I decided to go to DP! (The little corner car wash and coffee shop. I used to go there a lot to study Khmer and became friends with the two Khmer girls who work there every day.) I was greeted warmly by the girls and I explained in Khmer what happened. The girls took good care of me and helped me clean my cuts. I felt blessed by them!

Back on my bike I headed, once again, to Olympic Stadium. I knew the girls would be worried about me ifI never showed up and I wanted to get back on my bike as soon as I could before a fear set in. Let me tell you, I had no problem giving thanks and praising God now! I was able to enjoy a good, relaxing run with Laura and felt like God gave me some new thoughts and insights to reflect on. (I’ll save those for another blog )

I had just finished running when I saw a boy I had met on Christmas Eve when Elise and I had come to the stadium to play tennis. I found out his name was Cheeit. Looking at my bloodied leg, Cheeit immediately asked me what happened. I told him the story and then told him that I was very thankful to Jesus for protecting me. When I said the name of Jesus, the boy’s eyes seemed to light up. I asked him if he knew of Jesus. He said he did, but I could not understand what else he said about Him. With my limited Khmer vocabulary, I shared with Cheeit very simply about who Jesus is and how Jesus loves Cheeit soo soo much and wants to live with him forever. I don’t know if he understood what I was saying but Cheeit listened intently, and the look in his eyes gave me a feeling that he understood, maybe better than I could ever know. “Lord, translate to his heart whatever you want him to hear and to know.” I told him I needed to go find my friend but maybe I could teach him how to play tennis some time. I left to find Laura and soon after there was Cheeit coming towards us. We talked with him some more and found out that both of Cheeit’s parents had died and that he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters. He said he lives around Olympic Stadium and sleeps by the tennis courts.

There is something about this boy that I don’t really know how to explain. His situation is obviously very sad, yet he did not appear sad in his spirit. I have met many children here who are without parents and without a home. They have been trained to exploit their story and situation for money. When they see me they don’t see a person they see a dollar sign. Perhaps they have never been treated like a person either, I’m not sure. Usually, as soon as they realize they aren’t going to receive money they leave, with no further interest in conversation or friendship. Even as I was running earlier, I went past some kids who yelled, “hello! Give me a dollar!” Yet Cheeit seemed different. He was not quick to “tell his sad tale” and he never asked for a cent. He just seemed happy to be with us and talk with us. Laura and I asked Cheeit if he was hungry and if he would like to eat lunch with us at the food stand by the stadium. He said “baa” (yes) and hopped quickly down the stairs.

It was so enjoyable to just sit and be with Cheeit at lunch. I was trying to tell him that I used to long jump, because there’s a long jump pit at the stadium. I got up and acted it out and Cheeit said something I couldn’t understand, but he was just laughing and laughing. Joy! “Thank you God that my bike accident did not keep me from this moment with Laura and Cheeit. Thank you God that the scrapes on me knee actually led to conversation about You!” Laura and I said goodbye to Cheeit and began to bike home. We both talked about the warmth we felt from Cheeit. “Cheeit has so little, yet I wonder if Jesus fills him with greater joy and fullness of being than we could know? Protect this boy, Lord!”

Just another ordinary and not so ordinary day in Kampochia…

Thanksgiving in Cambodia?

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

“Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done” (1 Chronicles 16:8).

I am a born and raised city girl from Phoenix, Arizona. You want to bake something? I can tell you 5 grocery stores within a 5 minute radius of my house that will have almost every ingredient or food item you could want or need. In Cambodia, baking becomes a little trickier. I can still get to a store within 5-10 minutes, but the search for “common” ingredients is usually a frustrating scavenger hunt and waste of time. So I have learned to get creative, however; some items just do not substitute well. Last week a package arrived from my family. “Could it be?” I thought, “were they able to send the main item I had requested and hoped for?” I cut open the box and there it was! Right on top- happiness in a bag; a giant, Sam’s Club bag of real chocolate chips! There was jumping and celebration in our house that day We were ready for Thanksgiving Extravaganza!

What does Thanksgiving Extravaganza look like in Cambodia?

Saturday, November 26th, at 6 p.m. about 35 men, women and children from all over the world gathered at our home for a Thanksgiving potluck. Friends from Australia, England, Denmark, Cambodia, and various states in the U.S; a glimpse of Heavenly parties to come! People of different nationalities, different ages, different organizations, different visions and reasons for living in Cambodia, but united by the same God. Many people asked what Thanksgiving was all about. It was good to reflect on my country’s history and the reasons behind why we celebrate this day each year, besides being a good excuse to eat incredible food!

So, I know what you are thinking, “what did you eat??” Well, there

was no turkey on our table, but we had a giant platter of delicious chicken we got from the market! Stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, various salads and Rolls! Many traditional items plus some foods to add to the tradition like, sweet and sour pork and Cambodian fruit salad! Don’t forget the dessert table! Homemade brownies, pumpkin-chocolate chip bars, chocolate chip banana bread, (as you can see the chocolate chips were put to good use ) and, YES, pumpkin pie! (I also learned how to make pumpkin puree from real pumpkins- definitely not something this city girl ever had to do before!)

“I love Thanksgiving! I think we will have to start celebrating this holiday in Denmark.” - a new Thanksgiving fan

It was so much fun sharing a feast together with new friends, but what made this evening really special was celebrating our thankfulness for the Giver of every good gift. God pours out numerous blessings every day over each one of his children and our spirits were uplifted and encouraged as we shared about these blessings with one another!

The last guests left just after midnight. The stairs to the second floor are on the outside of our house, and as Helen and I were heading to our rooms we looked up to see one final thanksgiving present from our Giver of gifts; the brightest night sky we had yet to see in Phnom Penh. One star; one special star, shone exceptionally bright that night and we just stared up and thanked God for this heavenly goodnight kiss.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17).

How Do You Know?

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Let me share 2 brief stories with you.

Story 1

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8).

It was a Friday night, and a group of us went out for ice cream with our Khmer teacher. She is 24 years old and has been teaching at LEC (Language Exchange Cambodia) for three years now. It was fun just talking about life and laughing together; just being silly together. She had told us before that she was a Christian, which definitely is not popular here in Cambodia where more than 80% of the population claims devotion to Buddha.
            “ Niek Krew” (the title used to address your teacher in Khmer- I will use this title instead of her name) Can I ask you a question about being a Christian?”
            “Yes,” she replied.
            “How did you know that Jesus was real and true and Buddha was not? What made you choose God over Buddha?”
A big smile came over Niek Krew’s face. I wish I had a picture of that smile or could capture it in words. That smile in itself testifies that the living God’s work is real and brings joy!

“It was his love” she said simply.

IT WAS HIS LOVE

Niek Krew went on, “Before I knew Jesus, I felt lonely. I did not feel loved by anyone and I did not feel love for anyone. (In class, Niek Krew had told us that she has never heard her parents tell her that they loved her. This is common in Cambodia, as people don’t say I love you often.) I didn’t really even care. When I learned about God’s love, this all changed.”

Me- “How did your family respond when they found out that you were a Christian?”
Niek Krew- “They were angry at first. Now they are ok and have accepted it.”
Me- “Is it hard to be a Christian here in Cambodia?”
Niek Krew- “Yes. My friends did not understand. People would either make fun of me, or stop really talking to me.”
Me- “How else has being a Christian affected your relationships with people?”
Niek Krew- “Khmer people usually do not talk to each other when they have a problem. They let the problem build up in their heart. Before I was a Christian, I had a roommate and I got upset with her so I just left and didn’t live with her anymore. Now, I am a Christian, and I live with Christian roommates. When we have a problem, we talk about it. It feels good in my heart.”

Niek Krew is smart. She dreams of being a lawyer so that she can go back into her home province and help the poor families there. She also hopes to attend WheatonCollegein Illinoisthrough their international teacher exchange program. I asked her if I could share her story with friends and family back home as an encouragment. She said she was happy for me to tell her testimony I feel privileged to know her!

Story 2

When I called, you answered me; you greatly emboldened me (Psalm 138:3).

Last week, Kelsey and I were at the park, drawing. We gathered quite a crowd over the course of the afternoon (I suppose 2 white girls, sitting and drawing in the park isn’t exactly a common site in Cambodia lol.) There was a group of young adults who came over and we found out that one of the young men was a Christian. Like Niek Krew, I asked him, “How did you know that Jesus was real and true and Buddha was not? What made you choose God over Buddha?”
He smiled and there was a light in his eyes I would best describe as authenticity.

“When I pray, he answers me.”

Simple as that. When he would pray to Buddha, Buddha would not answer him. When he prays to the living God, he receives an answer.

Like Niek Krew, he said it was difficult to be a Christian in Cambodia because people where he was from would get mad. Yet, the anger and rejection of people was not enough for this young man or Niek Krew to trade in their relationship with the One True God, they knew to be alive and real by His love and faithful answers.

God is love. Real love is only experienced through knowing God. Buddha is a statue, a mindset. Buddha cannot love or do anything. I do not think Buddhists expect Buddha to love. I have never heard a Khmer person say, “I know Buddha loves me”. I have only heard statements of uncertain hope, “If I give sacrifices, then I hope that Buddha will bring me good luck”. What will bring down the idols in this nation? God’s real love. Ceramic cannot stand under the glorious, rich, fulfilling reality of God’s love.

Dear Lord,

Tue, 1 Nov 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Lord, God,
I come before you on behalf of "Srey Mali". Set a protection around her life, around her body and around her heart. She is 14, what a vulnerable age. God, may her story not include nights of abuse, molestation or rape. I pray that she has parents who treasure her beauty as you do and seek to protect and preserve her. Let the money she gets from selling fruit truly go towards school! Protect her from theives. There was just something about her smile and her eyes that made me feel like I was looking directly at your son, Jesus. Her smile was joy itself. Her eyes- light and hope. If she has not met you yet, send her a divine appointment. For where your light is present- NO DARKNESS can get through. God, send your angel armies to her bedside. May she know you. May she know your love! I may never get to see her again in this life, but I want to spend eternity in your kingdom getting to know this precious girl.
To your glory,
Amen

Is This Not What You Expected?

Sun, 23 Oct 2011 00:00:00 GMT

“This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: “Listen to the terms of this covenant and tell them to the people of Judah and to those who live in Jerusalem.Tell them that this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘Cursed is the one who does not obey the terms of this covenant— the terms I commanded your ancestors when I brought them out of Egypt, out of the iron-smelting furnace.’ I said, ‘Obey me and do everything I command you, and you will be my people, and I will be your God.Then I will fulfill the oath I swore to your ancestors, to give them a land flowing with milk and honey’—the land you possess today” ( Jeremiah 11:1-5).

The road to the land flowing with milk and honey was never intended to be paved with roses, marked by skipping or a walk of ease. The journey was always going to be a trek through the wilderness, but God wanted to bring his children to greater depths of intimacy with him by sustaining His people in that wilderness journey through utter dependency on Himself. Yet the children were not interested in the wilderness walk with God; they wanted ease, so they chose to break their covenant. They chose disobedience. In His divine love, God still did not abandon them but continued to lead them toward their promised land, yet in their effort to obtain “ease” they threw themselves into greater weariness and pain. For, not only did they still have to face the wilderness terrain, but now they were plagued by the famine of their heart and drought of their soul. They did not allow themselves to be fed and filled by God in the way he had originally intended.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
   they make it a place of springs;
   the autumn rains also cover it with blessings.
They go from strength to strength,
   till each appears before God in Zion.
   Psalm 84: 5-7

The Valley of Baka was known for being dry and without water all year long. In this Psalm, David does not say that God filled the valley with springs for the people, but that through His strength they made it a place of springs and God sent autumn rains to also cover the valley with blessings. How do you create springs of water in a desert? I believe these springs come from three intentional heart actions. (3 main points… that’s what you get from the daughter of a pastor! )

Faithful obedience. God told his children, “obey me. Keep all of my commandments. And you will be my people and I will be your God.” We find springs in the desert as we obey God. “This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3).
Pressing into God’s strength: get on your knees, cry out to God in desperation. We were created to live in constant desperation for God, utter dependence on His strength. This kind of desperation produces springs of water.

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). Paul is not saying this as some inspirational- “reach for the stars”, “you can do anything you put your mind to” type of quote. Paul is saying that the reason he can be content in any and every circumstance- whether in great need or having plenty, great pain or freedom from pain- is that God’s strength is always enough! In the wilderness, God’s strength is enough.

Thankfulness. An attitude of thanksgiving is powerful. It was not a typo when Paul said that we are to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thes. 5:18). He did not mean to say, “give thanks when you feel good, or when life is really going your way, or when you feel super spiritual…” No. All circumstances. Plain and simple.

**This does not necessarily mean giving thanks for all circumstances. God can use even the worst evil for his glory, but sin is never God’s plan. We don’t need to thank God for the sin, for the evil, but we can always thank God that He will work all things for the good of those who love him for His own purposes! (Romans 8:28). Sin is not more powerful than God.

God did not spare even his own, beloved son from suffering, so why do we think we would be spared? Jesus suffered before he was ever nailed to the cross. His entire life he was misunderstood, judged, mistreated and slandered. We then should not be surprised when we are misunderstood, judged, mistreated and slandered.

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17

"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first -wanting to be the center- wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. . . . What Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could 'be like gods'- could set up on their own as if they had created themselves- be their own master- invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history- money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery- the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.

The reason why it can never succeed is this. God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

That is the key to history, Terrific energy is expended- civilizations are built up- excellent institutions are devised; but each time something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top and it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down. They are trying to run it on the wrong juice. That is what Satan has done to us humans" (C.S. Lewis, “Mere Christianity”).

We have a choice. What will our pilgrimage through the wilderness look like? Will we make springs of water; will we move from strength to strength in the Lord? Or will we throw up our hands and declare, “ I never signed up for this wilderness stuff!” and try to seek out happiness and ease for ourselves? It can never be found apart from God, yet it is still our choice to search.

Still I was not humble enough to take the humble Jesus as my God; nor did I know what his taking our weak nature was supposed to teach us. Your Word, the eternal truth, overtops the highest peaks of your creation; and he lifts up those of low degree to himself. Yet he stooped to this human clay of ours and built himself a humble habitation that he might win to himself all who are willing to surrender their own selves. He would heal men of the tumors of their pride. He would nurture their love so they would not become overconfident of their strength, but would recognize their own weakness when they saw before their eyes Divinity himself in his weakness. He shared our coats of skin, so that we would wearily throw ourselves upon his humanity, and so find ourselves lifted up by his resurrection. (The Confessions of Augustine)

Girls Just Being Girls

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Lord, come hang out with us today. Draw Somali to yourself through Steph and I. Even when I don’t have the words to say, you speak. May we leave Somali feeling touched by a divine love that she has never before experienced. As we celebrate her birthday, I ask that you would shower her with your eternal gifts and eternal treasures.

Steph and I had only met Somali (name changed) once before, about 6 weeks ago. She had been walking with an older foreign man (her friend’s boyfriend she said) close to the bar where she works. A few of us were there with a group called “Male Sex Tourism” to talk with foreigners about prostitution and sex trafficking, as the “women of Cambodia” have become an indirectly advertised tourism attraction to draw foreigners to the city. Steph had been able to use her Khmer to start a conversation with Somali and at the end the two exchanged phone numbers. We were both excited for the chance to finally hang out with her!

On my way to meet Steph, I rode my bike to the market to buy flowers for Somali. I placed the flowers in my basket and pulled out onto the road and within 5 feet of riding the flowers fell out of my basket, onto the ground and I accidentally biked over them. One of the tuk tuk drivers who witnessed my embarrassing little accident started laughing and quickly handed me the flowers. Fortunately only a few suffered injuries and I continued on my way.

As Steph and I drove in the tuk tuk I felt nervous. “What if I don’t recognize her? Will it be awkward that I can’t speak very much khmer? How do Khmer people ‘hang out’?” We arrived at City Mall and it wasn’t long before we saw Somali’s smiling face heading towards us. I handed her the flowers and we all hugged in excitement to see each other again. It was just natural, like being reunited with an old friend. We headed upstairs to the food court for lunch. It was fun to just talk! Somali knew some English, Steph could communicate really well in Khmer, and I was encouraged by how much I understood as well. We talked about life and boys… you know, just typical girl talk

After lunch we went to one of those photo booths and got goofy pictures taken together. The three of us just laughed as we looked at our different pictures and silly poses. Taking ridiculous pictures together- again, just girls being girls

We walked around the mall a bit then got ice cream. Steph asked Somali what else she was going to do that day for her birthday. She said that her and her mom were going to the Pagoda to offer sacrifices to the monks for good luck. Steph asked Somali if she knew who Jesus was. She said she did- that there was a big church by her house. Somali had been sharing with us about her frustrations with her boyfriend who claimed to “love” her, but she wasn’t feeling very loved by him. Steph was able to tell her that Jesus loves her so much more and affirm her value in Christ. Nothing forced, just natural conversation between girls about struggling to feel loved by men in their life- the same struggles talked about by girls all over the world.

Time went quickly and Steph and I needed to go. We said our goodbyes and all left our separate ways. I think the divine touch of love we had prayed for left its presence on all three of us girls.

What connects me with these khmer women? Not my language, not my skin color, often not my beliefs- just being a girl! Just being a girl is ministry in itself.

Ministry should never be something we “start” or “stop” doing but the way we naturally live out our every day life.

“Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38

I believe that Jesus died to take on the punishment for my sins and through him I am now reconciled to God, my father. God has given me his Holy Spirit as a seal of my rescue and deliverance and eternal identity as His daughter. There is power in the spirit of God and that power is within me at all times. Belief in Jesus- salvation- produces living water that flows out of me. If water is living that means it is active, moving, getting other people wet! Everyone I come into contact with should be affected and touched by that living water. Every person should be stained by the life drops of Jesus coming out of me. Ministry is loving people here and now, where they are at simply by living life together.

The picture of ministry is not me up on my high ledge pulling the “needy” up, but walking side by side with the people around me- encouraging them to continue forward and sharing about the narrow road of joy and life. When we need to climb mountains on our road, ministry is me bending down so I can help push other people up. As Christians eager to serve, we often look for ways to “do ministry” as if we are looking for poor helpless people in the ditches that we can "rescue". I confess that I have been guilty of looking for that “poor bar girl”, “poor sex trade victim” that I can “rescue” through the power of Jesus. My heart’s desire is to “rescue” through bringing these women God’s light, God’s love, God’s life, and God’s salvation. I don’t think I have any more to offer than God, yet even though my heart’s desire is good, my mentality can become distorted and prideful, thinking that I’m pulling all of the lowly people out of their ditches in the name of God!

My desire for Somali to feel loved, treated well, and valued is not because she is some "bar girl" that needs saving and I am standing ready with my cape. Somali is simply a beautiful girl that I have had the privilege of meeting on this road I am journeying on. Ministering to her is no different than ministering to anyone else I meet or any of the girls on my team. The ministry is living life together- letting the life of my salvation overflow from my heart. It’s about girls being silly girls together!

The Match!

Sat, 8 Oct 2011 00:00:00 GMT

What does reconciliation look like between countries? How do you initiate true peace and friendship?

How about a bunch of old men running around a giant field kicking a ball with each other?

Wait, that wasn’t your first idea?

Saturday, September 24^th, everyone was invited to Olympic Stadium in Phnom Penh to watch asignificant soccer match.

The opponents: Cambodia vs. Thailand

Country leaders and officials from both countries put aside their suits and geared up in soccer jersey’s and high socks. The captain of each team: the prime minister of Cambodia, and the former prime minister of Thailand. The crowd went wild as these men, men with authority, ran their opening lap around the field before the start of the game. The smiles were big! Many laughed as the men competed for goals, as it was clear soccer was not their profession, but the laughter was not aimed to mock, but rather unite.

Humility.

That is the word which came to my mind over and over as I watched the game. These country leaders entered the field and suddenly they were boys again. They were just having fun! I watched as one man went to kick the ball, but tripped and landed on his back. He simply laughed and got up quickly to return to the play.

We all laughed when we saw the people in the stadium begin to do the wave. Some things in sports don’t change no matter where you are around the world! It was the best wave I have ever been apart of, as the entire stadium all around was actively involved.

By the end of the first half, Cambodia had a significant lead of 6 to 1. During the second half of the game you could see some theatrics come out as Cambodia wanted to gracefully allow Thailand to get a few more scores. This was truly a friendly game. The final score was Cambodia 10 and Thailand 7.

Friendly sports- a great way to bond people together and reconcile countries

He's Here!!

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 00:00:00 GMT

I am staring out a giant glass window on the second floor of Blue Pumpkin, overlooking the riverfront. It is pouring rain.

I go to Biblegateway.com to look up some scripture. The verse of the day reads:

“Be glad, people of Zion, rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given you the autumn rains because he is faithful. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before.” Joel 2:23

Where there is rain- God is there. The rain is a visible manifestation of the presence of God pouring down. God is all over Cambodia right now.

Caution: ugly thoughts exposed

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 00:00:00 GMT

I am standing with Kristen at the corn on the cob cart at the Russian market. Noise, people and chaos are all around me. After 2 hours of Khmer language class my mind feels the exact same way- chaotic.

“How much corn do we need? 12- how do I say that in Khmer again?? How much is this in Riel?”

Kristen and I are counting, adding, translating… other people are all talking, trying to help. Motobikes, cars, tuk tuks are all zooming past, at times only inches behind us, all moving in a haphazard, unorganized manner. Then one more person squeezes into the small area. I turn my head to see a beggar woman. She has her tin jar in hand and is looking right at me.

“Oh no, please don’t ask me for money. Can’t you see I’m busy? Do you just see white skin and think ‘money bags'? Ok, if I just focus on the corn she’ll go away. What is wrong you, Jenny? This is a person, she has a soul! How can you just ignore her?”

I feel light tapping on my arm. She is tapping me and putting her fingers to her lips.

“Stop! Can’t you just go ask someone else? If I help you, what about all of the other people begging on these streets? I can’t provide for them too! I need to be consistent. Corn- just focus on the corn. How do I say 12,000 again in Khmer?”

She remains behind me.

“Lord, what do I say? What do I do? Look at her hungry eyes, say ‘God bless you’, then leave her unblessed by me- God’s ambassador??- No.”

“Give her money? So she can spend it on what? What about everyone else?- No.”

“If she would just leave, I wouldn’t have to think about this; I could just focus on corn! Oh Lord, is that a little boy behind her??"

“ I can ask her how she is, just talk to her with the few phrases of Khmer I know, but how do you ask someone begging how they are doing? That seems cruel!”

Finally- the corn is purchased and we can go. Kristen hands me 1,000 riel change- the exact price for one corn on the cob. I turn around and face the woman. She doesn’t hold out her tin like I expect her to, instead she points at the corn.
“Of course! I can buy her corn! I hadn’t even thought of that.”
I hand the man my money- hand the woman the corn and she beckons her son to her side.

“Awkunh” , she says (Thank you)

“Prayong brahtien pbo niek” Kristen and I say. (God bless you)

I leave with a sense of peace.

I can’t buy corn for every man/woman/child begging in the market. I can’t rescue everyone. However, the solution is not to ~~ignore people~~ unless I can “save” them. Instead, I can respond moment by moment- seeking God in each individual case, for each individual child of God. I don’t need a consistent “plan”, just an open heart and open eyes.

“Lord, may I not shut my eyes to avoid wrestling with the hard issues. Increase my faith that you will instruct me with every person I meet.”

“Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you…I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”

Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?”

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

(John 6:28,29,35)

“I come before the throne of grace on behalf of the woman and her son, asking that bread of life-Jesus- be given. “

How can I give this bread? I can buy a woman corn and feed her for an hour- but how can I tell her about the bread that will fulfill her for eternity- Jesus? How can I give her the bread of life?

Same Same but Different

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 00:00:00 GMT

I have discovered a popular phrase here is “same same but different”. It is the Cambodian way of saying, “ 6 to one and half dozen to another”. The more I look around the more I see that people here are not that different. I may physically stand out like a sore thumb when I walk down the street, but at my core I am the same color as everyone around me. We are unified by the color of our hearts.

Sunday morning I went to Phnom Penh Mennonite church. It was a small, one room church with the doors opened up to the back street so that more chairs could be set up outside. The congregation was made up of many university students and young adults who all welcomed us warmly into their family.

During worship I watched as Khmer men and women worshipped God in their heart language. I couldnot understand the literal words they were singing but it did not matter, I knew what they were saying. They were praising the one, true God of the nations. The one God, who transcends both culture and language. It was a taste of Heaven- O the day when we will all praise together, every nation and every tongue united by one purpose and one spirit. What a glorious day that will be!

A young guy, named Kosal, offered to translate for us so we could understand the sermon.

Why do earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados… claim the lives of thousands of people?

Why are murderers allowed to carry out their life ending schemes?

Why are little children abused… women raped… men shamed?

Why would a good God allow bad things to happen to people he loves??

I think of how many times I have wrestled with these questions… how many times have you?

This was the subject of the sermon. Here are some of the pastor’s insights:

When we ask ‘why, God?’ we are asking the wrong question. We should be asking ‘God, how are you going to work through this situation and what can I do in response to what happened to honor you?'

We want God to stop all of the “major evil” in the world, but then we want to keep the “little evil” things we like to do.“Stop all murder!” we say “but this little lie is no big deal, this jealous thought, overindulgence… don’t worry yourself with those things God.” With God, there is no grey- no mixture of good and evil that is acceptable. There is white and black.
Great evil always begins with little evil.

“Ok, fine, take it all away then, God” we say.
But you see, we chose this evil! We are no different from Adam and Eve. God did not create evil. He created the world and said that it was GOOD. He also created man to be free. Free to enjoy a relationship with God- our father and creator, but also free to disobey. We are not robots, we are free creatures! Our relationship with God is a choice, and that is what makes it so beautiful.

Our actions have consequences. When we sin, we do not just affect ourselves, but we affect other people in ways we might never know. Sin has affected all of creation, not just human beings.

We want freedom from evil: that is exactly what we have because of Jesus!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God ” (2 Cor. 5:17-20).

The pastor ended with these verses and challenged us to go out and be ministers of reconciliation.

I have heard this message before and wrestled with the problem of suffering and evil many times in my life. Yet, there was something different about hearing this message spoken in Khmer and translated into English. I was so grateful to actually hear my own language, so I grasped on to every word. Whether Khmer or American- we have the same questions, same struggles, same temptations, same evils, same truth. We have the same responsibility as Christians and ambassadors of Christ. We are same same but different.

Let me tell you about this girl

Thu, 8 Sep 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Let me tell you about this girl.

What do you want to know?

Was she trafficked into a brothel? Was she sold for sex? Did her father beat her, did her mother sell her?
Is this what you want to know about this girl? Would it change the way you looked at her if you knew?

The answers: I have no idea. I do not know what this girl has been through in her life... it would probably crush my heart to know... Asking these questions may give you insight into a young girl's past, but they do not tell you anything about who she IS. We are not a compilation of our past experiences, just as we are not a compilation of our past mistakes. Yes, they affect us, even in traumatic ways. Yes, we must work through past experiences and allow God to bring restoration to painful and dark places in our lives. But the point of this restoration is not so that we can think about these painful memories without cringing- the point is that God wants to bring restoration to our hearts. Our hearts are affected by experiences but are not the same as our experiences. You want to know who someone really is- put on your heart vision.

Let me tell you about this girl.

She is 17. She is beautiful. Long, dark brown hair with subtle red streaks. Smoothe brown skin, chocolate colored eyes and a smile that warms your soul. She is a leader; an initiator. She wants to be an accountant and a translator. She is a follower of Jesus. She is the daughter of the most high King: The King of the universe!
NO ONE can take these things away from her. NO ONE can sell them for profit. NO ONE can steal her heart from Jesus.

Her experiences on this earth are only a microcosm when compared to the eternity she will spend living in the real kindgom of wonder- God's kingdom. Her pain is real but so is her hope. I mourn with her in her pain, but I rejoice with her in her hope!

"[God] has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:9)

I am meeting beautiful hearts here in Cambodia.

Sheets!

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Today has been my favorite day in Phnom Penh so far! It began with 6 a.m. yoga and cardio P90X with the girls- you know, as if we don't sweat enough here, we like to get our bodies really going! :) Then it was spiritual cardio time- just being in our prayer room, reading, journaling, praying, WORSHIPPING. It's amazing how our minds are so conditioned to do do do all the time. I had to remind myself several times that just BEING and praying was the most valuable thing I could be doing at that moment. Time with the Lord seems to be too structured in American life. In college we had chapel for exactly 50 minutes. If it ever went longer people would get upset that their time wasn't "respected". We cram prayer, music, and a message into a specific time frame then say, "ok, time to get out there and be productive- really do something meaninful". What twisted thinking. As a result it is difficult to just sit and be for an unspecified period of time, short or long- no one's counting. Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10) "Thank you Lord for quieting my soul so I could just be with you and really focus on prayer before going out into the city."

We ate lunch at the Russian market, with the best iced coffees for only a dollar! (Thanks Steph for introducing us to this place!) The two sisters who run this little food stand speak english and I had a wonderful time talking with one of the girls, learning new Khmer words and practicing words and phrases with her. There are some sounds that I just don't know how to even try to make! Sometimes she would say a phrase and I guess my expression must have showed her how confused I was because she would just start laughing, and then I would too :) As Kristen, Heather and I roamed throughout the market, I noticed a banner that talked about Jesus. I stopped and the owner of this little shop- a young Khmer girl, said that she was a Christian and the money went to help aids victims. We were able to talk with her for a little while also and learned how to say "God Bless You" in Khmer. I practiced that phrase as we walked around the rest of the aisles at the market. I hoped it would be a prayer for each shop we passed. Connecting with people on heart levels- this is a huge reason I came to Cambodia and today I felt the beginning of these connections. It brought so much joy!

Sheets! With the help of Kristen and Heather, I bought sheets and got them tailored for my bed! It felt like a real accomplishment and I am so excited- I pick them up Wednesday :) It seems silly, but it felt like a little gift from God today.

This evening we went to Daughters of Cambodia! I have been telling people about this place all summer and finally I got to go their in person! Kristen and I got pedicures at Daughters and it was wonderful to talk with the girls painting our nails. Again we spent time just learning new words and laughing over the way I butchered them :) I have been so excited to go to Daughters- a place that helps women coming out of prositution and trafficking- provides skill training, job opportunities, and the truth about Christ! Their smiles radiate Christ- They are beautiful women. The girl doing my nails said she liked my white skin. Haha- I told her that in America, we try to get our skin darker like hers- everyone in Cambodia wants to have whiter skin. Why does everyone want the opposite of what they have?? We bake in the sun to tan and risk skin cancer in order to achieve the "perfect skin tone" and people here use skin products with whitening agents... I'm just as guilty. I don't know why we do it though.
After the pedicures we all ate at the cafe at Daughters. The food was delicious and I had a snickers shake, which was incredible! There was such peace at Daughters- I loved being there!

After dinner we just walked along the river front. I saw a group of people doing exercises to fun music so I joined them :) There were actually many groups- one was dancing to hip hop. I tried my best to learn but I wasn't very good. It was a lot of fun and I think it made some of the spectators laugh.

There is so much going on here; so much I can see and so muchthat I know is unseen but happening. We have two beer gardens right by our house and there are chairs at the entrance with young girls lined up, dressed in short skirts and high heels. We walked by last night and waved at the girls. They smiled big and waved back. Beautiful smiles. We all prayed as we walked by. Oh, Lord, what can we do??

"Jenny, if the only thing I have you do in Cambodia is pray- on location prayers- then you have served a great purpose. You are a part of the war and your prayers are powerful weapons. Do not jump in front of me to take action and lead the way. Be still. Wait for me. I will lead you. Never stop praying."

"Teach me to be still, Lord."

Tomorrow we are off to Siem Reap to meet up with Seth and the rest of the AIM vision team!

Beginning Life in Phnom Penh

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 00:00:00 GMT

So here I am, Phnom Penh, Cambodia! I feel like I have been telling people for so long, "I'm about to go to Cambodia, I leave on August 28th." And now it's August 30th and I'M HERE! It's hard to put into words how I feel at this moment. Right now I just feel normal. Soaking everything in and eager to learn so so much!

The journey to now:

I spent my last night in AZ among many of my closest friends and family. The support and encouragement I received made me feel truly honored and incredibly blessed. There was a lot of laughing and hugs and, of course no sleep. I got home around 1 a.m.and began running around to finish packing. At 3:30 a.m.Jordan and I finally got my suitcases to meet the weight restriction of 50 pounds. The alarm was set for 4:15 a.m.and suddenly the reality of leaving set in through an unexpected burst of tears. It was the first time any tears had come and I'm sure I was more surpised by them than Jordan. He hugged me and spoke words of truth and reassurance; I felt strenghtened to go. 5 a.m. came quickly and breakfast was ready. I said goodbye to my dad then Joey, mom, Jordan and I left for the airport. We arrived and went through my last round of goodbyes. Just before going through the airport doors I looked back one last time and saw Jordan roll down the window and say I love you. The perfect way to say goodbye. "Ok, Lord. It's time. I'm all in."

I slept pretty much the entire way to Seattle, where I met up with the rest of my team. 2:00 p.m. onSunday we boarded our plane and prepared for an 11 hour flight to Seoul, Korea. It was very strange because as soon as we got on the plane we were treated as if we were already on Korean time, which is 16 hours ahead of AZ. Sunday night was literally skipped and I was told that it was Monday morning. I guess my body believed it because I hardly felt tired and the sun continued to shine brightly out my window. I watched "Legends of the Fall" and "Water for Elephants", played tetris and solitaire, read my bible, and I felt like every hour I was getting served another meal or snack. It was actually a very enjoyable plane ride.

We arrived in the Incheon airport, got infused with coffee- thanks to Starbucks which seems to be taking over the world one coffee addicted person at time- and boarded our final plane. Destination: Phnom Penh! The flight was 5 hours and I was definitely feeling more restless during these hours.

What a joyful entry when we were welcomed by the wonderful team of four, who have been living in Cambodia since last October. Stephanie, Elise, Meredith and Amarja. We got to our house, chose our rooms and began settling in.

This morning I was awoken by the sound of roosters andconstruction work. The new sounds of home. I actually felt quite refreshed. It's a strange feeling because there is so much I don't know, yet I am eager to learn. A few of us ventured out to the Russian market, a few blocks from our house. You can pretty much find anything and everything here! It's completely different, yet feels quite normal all at the same time. I suppose it's because the city is filled with people; and while our skin may look different and we speak a different language, the core of who we are as God-created beings creates a unity that transcends differences.

Right now I am with Laura and Lauren at Jars of Clay- a coffee shop that I think will become a special oasis. We discovered that this coffee shop also helps women who need to provide for their families and has helped women coming out of sex trafficking. They seek to share the love of Jesus with these women and show them the way of hope. Wow, thank you Lord for bringing us to this place!

I just keep reminding myself that right now I am a LEARNER. I am not expected to know everything now. I have time. Take it moment by moment and soak it all in.

"Lord, help me to give you an undivided heart. Do your thing. I'm excited to see you just blow me away like you always do."

What can I say, God?

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:00:00 GMT

9 days!! 9 days and I will be on a plane heading across the world for a completely new chapter in my life full of so many unknowns! Excitement, Eagerness, Anticipation, Not quite ready... Only a few words I can pick out to describe how I feel. So much will be new for me there, yet I think the people around the world have a lot more in common than most realize or admit. Brokenness is universal. Pain is universal. Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. These realities and desires are not contingent on culture or location.

I got one of those livingsocial coupons to get a manicure/pedicure for half price, so I went for my appointment this morning. The woman who did my nails was outgoing and easy to talk to. 33 years old and looked just like Kate Hudson- she was beautiful. Yet the more we talked the more her eyes revealed her pain and brokenness. She's been a mom since 17- absolutely loves her kids, but never had a chance to really grow up herself. She said several times that she would have loved to travel the world... one day she hopes. She is unhappy in her marriage but wants her 5 year old daughter to have her daddy... she longs for freedom and independance. She longs for someone she can fully trust and depend on. My heart went out to her so much. I wanted to shout- "It's ok, I have the solution! Commit your life to God and He will be your freedom. He can bring renewal to your marriage. Fulfillment to your life! You can fully trust God and he will never ever forsake you!" Yet, I sensed that would only bring out her defenses. Instead I sat there, listening attentively, asking questions, trying to let my eyes communicate the words I wanted to say. I wanted her to know how much God values her and loves her. I wanted her to know that there is no condemenation in Christ Jesus for those who believe. Before I left I told her that I would be praying for her. She showed authentic appreciation. Brokenness is universal.

"God, how can I shout your name in Cambodia? How can I bring You into people's brokenness if I don't even know how to do that in my own home?"

'Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

"Lord, help me to be still, even amongst the chaos of injustice, and the stirring in my heart to go to war. May I wait patiently for you, Lord, becaus I know that YOU will act. Direct my steps no matter what soil I am on."

P.S. In less than 5 hours I get to see the man I am crazy about, Jordan :) I can't wait!

Painful Digging

Fri, 5 Aug 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Prepare my heart, Lord, for these next two years in Cambodia. Continue your excavation work; removing the filthy build up of issues not fully dealt with in my life and exposing wounds which have never fully healed. I know the digging will be painful, but your healing balm is gentle. Disinfecting my wounds may bring me to my knees in pain, but untreated infections will result in far greater and more permanent damage. Your divine touch on these broken places of my heart brings restoration. From restoration comes fulfillment and unspeakable joy.

I’ve prayed this prayer many times this summer. My mind acknowledges with enthusiasm the truthsbehind these statements and my excitement for God to do his work, yet it is amazing the resistance that occurs when not just my mind, but my feelings begin to acknowledge these words as well. Excavation starts and suddenly I can feel the painful digging and wonder if I’d better stop the process all together.

I ran track all four years in high school. I knew from the very beginning this would require a lot of training and conditioning. It was one thing for my coach to tell me the work out, “today you’re going to run 4- 400 meter sprints, 3-300 meter sprints, 4- 200 meter sprints, and 10- 100 meter sprints.” Ok, yeah, let’s do this! Running these sprints will build up my muscles and allow me to compete at my best ability! Next thing I know I’m sprinting down the track and wondering why in the world I would ever voluntarily choose to do track…a sport that revolves around running to exhaustion… nonstop! This is insanity and I chose it! Let me tell you that when our girls team stood on the podium at the state finals meet holding our first place trophy, I was thankful for every sprint! It had been a very painful process at times, but the victory was so much greater.

The victory of winning state lasted but minutes; the victory God wants to bring will last for eternity. Thejoy of holding the state championship trophy cannot compare to the joy of being made more and more like Christ. The reason is because God wants GOOD for His children. Being more like Christ will bring us the joy that we desperately crave and long for. Everyone in this world is seeking happiness of some sort- and ironically the happiness of being more like Christ is exactly what would meet every person’s deepest desire. However, the training and conditioning process often causes people to think “this is insane, why would I choose this” and drop out. “I’ll train for the race my own way!” Ok, good luck… there will not be victory in your “own way.” Only in God’s way.

Why does God want to dig up old hurts and painful issues in our lives? Because he LOVES us. “God’s love is not a pampering love; it’s a perfecting love” (James McDonald).

Elizabeth Elliot said, “Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. God will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process” (Passion and Purity).

Ask God to show you skeletons in your life that need to be dug out. Ask him to show you wounds on your heart that have never fully healed. Come face to face with these issues and allow the Lord to begin his excavation process.

A word on beginning this process: I said that once my feelings began to get involved resistance came. I was tempted to quickly turn my feelings off and bury the issues. I want to share a few things that helped me and insights I’ve been learning about healing.

There were several issues from when I was a little girl and growing up that I thought had already been resolved. I could see how God had worked through the painful experiences and had even protected me through these experiences as well. I resisted feeling hurt about them again because that seemed irrational to me- it was over and done with, why should I deal with it again? Wrong. The fact that the feelings were arising meant something had not been dealt with. I needed to start by validating the 5 year old me, 10 year old me, etc. Acknowledging that I had been wronged and hurt. Doing this allowed me to see how some of these same hurts had come up again in recent years of my life through new situations. A person hurt me in the same way I had been hurt when I was 10 and that triggered past insecurities and deepened my wound. I needed to dig to the root, even though I thought I had dealt with it, because it was now affecting my present relationships.
Healing doesn’t come in isolation. Not only did I need to acknowledge these past issues and scars and feel the emotions from them, but I needed to allow others I trusted to enter into these places of brokenness with me. On Tuesday, that was my mom and sister-in-law. Listening to my hurts- hurting with me, crying with me, acknowledging the pain and speaking comfort and understanding into each situation. Even though they had nothing to do with the hurtful situations themselves, they helped breathe healing into them.
If you can- share your heart and brokenness with the person who hurt you- even if you’ve already talked it out with them in the past. Again, if it is still causing hurt then you must press on to a deeper root: the issue is not yet resolved. The point is not to make them feel guilty again about past issues or make them feel as if you are withholding forgiveness- they don’t need to feel guilty because Christ died for that sin and they are free from the weight of it. The point is to ask them to enter into that broken place again with you and really acknowledge and validate your hurt. To show that they hurt with you, not because they feel guilty, but because they love you so much and hurt when you hurt. Jesus said, “mourn with those who mourn… rejoice with those who rejoice.” (Romans 12:15) We can and should enter into places of the heart with people. The result of this kind of response is that “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Healing is at work and the hurt of the sins truly melts away.

Lord, help me to embrace difficult feelings and emotions. May I allow you to bring healing to the broken places of my life as I walk with women in Cambodia on their journey of restoration and healing as well. Even the broken pieces of my life, when surrendered to you, Lord, can have life breathed into them- these broken pieces can be used to further Your kingdom and bring You glory.

Thoughts from a couch in Mighty Cup

Sun, 24 Jul 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Something I really enjoy is discovering new coffee shops. Saturday morning I ventured out and ended up at "Mighty Cup" in downtown Glendale :) I spent a few hours just reading my bible, journaling, and enjoying a delicious piece of lemon bunt cake. As I sat, getting infused with caffeine from my "mighty mocha", I reflected on the amazing ways I have seen God bring redemption into my life and lives of many I know and love. Redemption beyond even the cross ( yet made possible because of the cross). God did not stop at forgiving our sins. He actively works in our lives to make us more like Jesus and redeems every chapter of our story, even our sins when we surrender them, to be used for His glorious plan. Here is an excerpt of the journal entry I wrote. A somewhat unorganized stream of thoughts

No one's past is too rotten to be made new.
No one's pain will be wasted.
God cries with his children when they hurt- even though he knows the future and how everything will turn out.
Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died- even though he knew the miracle he was about to perform- Lazarus would live again!

When we are witness to the rottenness of life; to pain, hurt, and suffering, instead of asking "where is God?" and "why did he allow this to happen?" Shouldn't our response be, "Satan, evil, and our own sin bring such sad destruction and injustice! Thank you God you are making all things new!"

We often act like this fight against good and evil is being speared by one supernatural force: God. He either brings all good or it is his fault he doesn't prevent all evil. Why does suffering get us more upset at God than Satan? If my sister were to punch me, would I turn to my mom and demand, "why didn't you stop this??!!"
Why don't we blame Satan or our own sin nature for evil, wrong doing, and injustice?

God created us free- free to love and choose him; free to sin and reject Him. If He stepped in and prevented every injustice then our "freedom" would be a complete illusion. We are either puppets or we are free. With freedom comes greater joy, love, relationship and responsibility. With freedom also comes potential for great evil- which we can see corrupting our entire world.

Satan is real. Our own sin nature is real. We need to stop minimizing or ignoring these facts.

The Beautiful Hope: God has been and will continue actively working to bring full restoration and redemption to the world and His people.

A comment on Justice:
We think we deserve to see justice- see God's wrath against those who have wronged us or wronged others we love. “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord" (Deut. 32:35). He will bring justice and restoration in His time. We do not deserve to see justice. We deserve to humbly forgive those who wrong us. " Forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" ( Eph. 4:32). The Almighty God forgives us. Forgiveness is what we give to others- not judgment.
Judgment- God's Job
Forgiveness- Our Job

Keep a kingdom perspective:
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).

Persevere my friends!

I am not afraid of scorpions... yet

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 00:00:00 GMT

This week my Bible study is focused on Contentment. One of the questions posed by the workbook was "why do you think some of the Israelites hoarded the manna God provided?" (See Exodus 16:14-20 for full story) You see, God commands the Israelites not to keep any manna for morning and to only gather what they need for the day. Yet some people still don't listen, and they try to save some for the next day. To their surpise, in the morning the left over manna is filled with maggots and smells. Why did they hoard the manna after God gave them such specific instructions?

My first thought was, "Well, because they did not trust that God was going to provide enough food for the next day. They wanted to take control into their own hands." I am sure that is part of it, but then a new thought came to my mind. "Perhaps they remembered what it felt like to be starving. Some may have even been close to death. Their hunger was real. It created a fear that they may starve again. Yes, by hoarding the manna, they showed that they were not fully trusting God, but this lack of trust was rooted in a fear of something bad they had already experienced."

I am controlled by many fears. The fears that control me the most stem from situations I have already experienced. I become terrified that these hurtful/ painful experiences will happen again and I do everything I can to prevent them and to protect myself.

This weekend I house sat for a friend. Before she left she told me several times that she hoped I wouldn't be too scared of the scorpions, because she has already found two inside her house in the past month, and several more outside. I told her, "Maybe I should be more afraid of scorpions, but I have never seen one in your house so I just don't feel afraid of them at all!" Even though it is completely possible that I could encounter a scorpion, and even get stung, the idea of being afraid of them seems silly and a little irrational to me. "I fully trust that God will protect me from scorpions. Even if I get stung, it will be ok!" I can say with a laugh. However, this reasoning does little to keep me from fearing getting "stung" by people/experiences that have hurt me in the past. "Do not fear" is one of the most frequent commands in the Bible, yet I have discovered that I justify my fears if they are fears of something painful and real that has affected my life. "Surely God wasn't telling me not to fear that!" I think.

When someone I love hurts me, then I become afraid that they will hurt me again. Like a child who might fear the anger of his father, I fear potential reactions, potential pain. I become suspicious; looking for patterns that may give me some kind of clue that pain and hurt is coming. Like the first growls of hunger, which signal that starvation is potentially coming if the person does not get food soon. We all know that the first signs of hunger are not even close to being at a point of starvation, however; for a person who has known the pain of starvation, these initial growls can trigger great fear. If I had known how it felt to be starving, would I truly trust that God would provide fresh manna every day? Or would I think "well, he didn't keep me from almost starving before, so how can I trust he won't allow me to suffer that pain again?" The answer is: we don't know. We can't ever know. God never said, "trust that you will never feel hungry again!" He said, "trust that I will give you what you need TODAY. Be content in ME. I AM ENOUGH." No matter how hard I try, I cannot guarentee that I will not be hurt in the same ways I have been before. The point is that contentment has nothing to do with whether or not I experience pain or hurt. Contentment for the Israelites was not dependent on them never experiencing extreme hunger again. Contentment says: God is enough, I am fully satisfied in Him.

In Paul's letter to the Philippians he says, " I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:11-13).
Paul says that the secret to being content is allowing God's strength to be enough. God's strength in us does not mean we will not be hungry, or tired, or hurt, or experience pain. It means that God's strength is all we truly need. His strength is what brings us true joy and fulfillment each day.

God says to me, "Do not fear, for I am with you". And in my heart and mind I have changed His words to say "Do not fear, unless something bad has happened to you, then you should fear that bad thing happening again. I am with you." God does not tell me not to fear because nothing bad will ever happen to me. He tells me not to fear because He is with me! " do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I willstrengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

His strength is enough.

My Destructive Weapon

Wed, 6 Jul 2011 00:00:00 GMT

I have discovered that I possess an extremely dangerous weapon.
This weapon has the power to:

Torture people without struggle
Leave permanent scars
Brainwash those I seek to control
Injure large groups of people in a matter of seconds
Isolate and devalue groups that are different from myself

This weapon tends to be most disasterous for the people that I love the most. My Family. Friends. Boyfriend. I can even bring severe pain to the Almighty God with this weapon. It can alter my own brain and affects the way I think and act. I paid nothing to get this weapon and the more I use it destructively the more the weapon is self-fueled. This weapon is my tongue.

James 3:4-6 "Take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

Wow- my tongue can set an entire forest on fire! I can point out physical scars on my body from different accidents in my life- even accidents caused by other people- but the most painful scars cannot be seen at all, because they came from people's words.
I am currently going through a devotional study called "Lord, Change My Attitude" by James MacDonald. It starts out by identifying what a complaining attitude looks like and how destructive it is, not just for the one complaining, but for others and even God. I never thought of myself as a complainer, but God has been bringing light to these areas of my life that I became so used to I couldn't even see them. It has been good conviction.

Psalm 141:3 "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!"- I need high level security to guard my mouth! That is how dangerous it can be.

Proverbs 18:2 "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion"- Ouch, how often am I more concerned with people hearing my opinions then gaining real understanding? How often am I the fool?

James 1:26 " If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless"- people do not care how many times I read my Bible, go to church, or pray. If I am complaining, putting people down, being sarcastic.... then my religion is considered worthless. Yikes!

James 3:10 "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." When I read this verse I imagine someone making a sandwhich, throwing up all over it, then offering it to God in worship. " Here God, I made this just for you!" I know that sounds really gross, but isn't that what we do when we use our mouth to praise God and also complain and curse? We are just throwing up- let out of our mouths nothing that is beneficial for anyone. Then we praise God, as if that cancels out the complaining. This should not be!

Here is a really great test to evaluate what you are saying.
" Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29
Is what I am about to say going to build up those around me and also build up the person I am talking about? (it doesn't make it ok just because the person you are talking about isn't present- that is called gossip). Is what I am going to say taking into account their personal needs, meeting them where they are at? Is what I am going to say beneficial for ALL who are listening?
What you say affects other people.

The theme verse for this week: "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
I have a powerful weapon for destruction, but this weapon can also be transformed into a source of life. I can breathe life, encouragement, motivation and hope into people with my words. I can sing songs that are a sweet aroma of praise to God. Gratitude and thanksgiving is usually not a natural response, but I can practice and train these patterns of thinking and speaking. It starts with a change of perspective. I can trust that God will provide for my needs. What God has given me right now is enough! The more I choose to be thankful the more my eyes are opened to see God moving, even in the intricate details of my life.

Qualifier- being thankful in all circumstances doesn't mean pretending to be happy all the time and denying that anything bad happens. You might not agree with me on this, but I don't think I am supposed to be thankful for all circumstances, instead I am supposed to be thankful in all circumstances. If I was diagnosed with a disease, I would not be thankful for that disease, but I could be thankful that God was using that disease to bring me closer to Him. I could be thankful for life, breath, food... Life itself is a blessing I am given every moment I am alive. It is a reason to be thankful EVERY moment. We can be real with God. He wants us to tell him our heart. We can never shock God. He already knows what we are thinking. Even with God, if I stop at just airing own opinions then I am the fool proverbs 18 talks about. When I choose to thank God and choose to trust that He will work out all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) then I gain a new perspective. The same way a runner must train their muscles and build up their cardio vascular endurance, I must also train an attitude of gratitude.

"It is only with gratitude that life becomes rich" -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I'm afraid of... Happiness?

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Fear: If I love someone too much- God will take them away from me, in order to test my devotion to Him

Logical Jenny thinking: Good and bad happen in life. The more excited I am about the good, the worse I will feel when the bad comes. If I never climb too high then I can never fall too hard. If I am never too excited about anything then I won’t be too disappointed about anything.

Result: I am very suspicious of happiness, because it is fleeting, and we are commanded to be joyful always and expect trials and tribulations.

Truth: “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

God gives good gifts

Truth: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

As I enjoy my relationship with God, my desires form more and more into His desires. His passions are my passions.

Why is it that when we hear the word “holy” we often think: strict, boring, not fun, takes too much hard work?
In her book, Passion and Purity, Elizabeth Elliot states that “Holiness means ‘wholeness.’ It comes from the same root as hale- you know, hale and hearty. Healthy. Fulfilled.”

I love that feeling after I have just eaten a delicious meal and I don’t feel overstuffed, rather I feel perfectly content and fulfilled. God wants me to be fulfilled in life, yet he, my father, knows exactly what will bring me true fulfillment.

Elizabeth says that “the problem starts when we make up our own minds what will give us happiness and then decide, if we don’t get exactly that, that God doesn’t love us.” Or in my case, that God loves me, but will take away anyone/thing that I may love which is not Him.

Truth: God wants me to be happy, but by his definition and not mine. (and that is not a trick to say God’s definition of happiness is actually synonymous with our definition of unhappiness and boredom)

Qualifying statement: Matthew 10: 37-39 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

There is no such thing as a part-time follower of Christ. I give him all of me or I have not given him any of me. Who am I living for?

I think the enemy began whispering lies into my ear by telling me that the only way I can prove I am living for God is to give up everyone I love and not be too attached to anyone. And the way to give up everyone I love is to not enjoy these relationships too much and not allow myself to be too happy in life. It’s like I had a “love” jar. When I was pouring love into people then I wasn’t pouring love into God and of course that is not ok! These are lies.

Truth: When I love my mom well, that is a way of pouring love out to God.
Truth: God wants me to enjoy the gifts and treasures He has given me!
Truth: God wants to be apart of every relationship and every experience in my life, no matter how “mundane”. He does not want to be a separate category. It makes God happy when I rejoice in the treasures he has given me.

Holiness= wholeness: fulfillment

Trapped in a Brothel

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Last night I turned off my lamp to go to sleep and awakened into a different world. There was a large party going on at "my house" (which didn't resemble my house at all). I knew that my "dad" was running an undercover brothel and I was his latest sale. There were a bunch of young, thin, girls who would be "sleeping over", but I knew that once the party guests left the men would arrive to claim their purchases. I saw people begin to leave and I felt desperate to escape. It seemed that whereever I was, my dad happened to be also. I kept praying that God would show me a way out. I thought about how he warned Joseph in a dream to take Jesus to Egypt to escape death. I determined that God could warn me too and show me where to go to escape rape. My "mom" helped me to hide by a lake near our house. She said that her being a wife to my dad was merely a facade, that he would just beat her. She didn't say much more, but I understood; she was trapped but had no way to escape. I felt safe by the water and knew that no one would come for me that night. I also felt an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread, knowing that this was my home. Where would I go tomorrow? Could I run and hide every day and night? Hopelessness filled my soul. Then I woke up.

My "mom" and "dad" in my dream did not look anything like my real mom and dad; they were merely representations of a mother and father figure. I was so relieved to wake up from this nightmare, but I also felt sad, because thousands of women are trapped in my nightmare, but they cannot wake up. Lord, was this a glimpse into that world so I would have better understanding? Be near to every girl who cannot wake up.

Powerful Embrace

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 00:00:00 GMT

A few days ago I finished reading the book, The Road of Lost Innocence, by Somaly Mam. Through this powerful book, Mam recounts her life story, being sold into prostitution when she was 16 by her "grandfather" in order to pay his debts. Mam gives a voice to the thousands of girls who share a similar story.

" I had been a prostitute in Phnom Penh for four years, and I didn't know how to get out of the whole system. I wanted to, but in my mind I was trapped. I wasn't worth anything. I was srey kouc, broken and unmendable. I was dirty and I could never hope to become clean again" (p. 75).

Eventually, through the help of a French humanitarian worker, Pierre, Mam was able to get out of prostitution. She was left with physical and emotional scars of a demoralizing life. Mam found hope and new purpose for her life, but it would be these scars that would lead Mam to return to the very Hell she had come from, not as a prostitute, but as an angel desperate to help other women and children who were trapped in the brothels.

" I felt I didn't have a choice: I needed to help them get out of the life they were imprisoned in, just streets away from me. This was something I could do that few other people could. I knew where the girls would be because I knew my way around their world, and I knew how to communicate with them. The words themselves weren't as important as the bond between us... I was connected to these girls and they trusted me. I had to help them."

Beyond Mam's resilience and tenacity, I was really impressed by the way that she embraced each girl she helped with authentic love and care. No one was too dirty or diseased for Mam to embrace with open arms. She understood. Mam describes a girl she found in the road one afternoon, " she was dirty, with her hair clumped with mud, and frighteningly thin... she had sarcomas on her skin from AIDS-she looked half dead... I asked the driver to stop and I put my arms around her." My heart stirred when I read this, it still does. I am reminded of Jesus who would put his arms around the lepers- they were considered "untouchable". What a simple, yet deeply profound way of showing people acceptance and worth.

Lord, help me to not be too scared or intimidated to show love in a felt and authentic way. May I not try to love from a distance, but instead embrace your daughters into my arms the way you do.

Be careful what you say in a blue mini van

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 00:00:00 GMT

For some reason I have had a really hard time writing this first blog. I'm a journaler, and have journals filled from cover to cover starting when I was six years old. Yet those entries were between me and God, so it didn't matter how trivial or uninteresting they were, I knew God was fully engaged in the life of his daughter. Blogging seems different. The idea that I would have something interesting and profound enough to share that other people would actually want to read seems unlikely and pressureful. I suppose I just need to think of this as my online journal: the audience is still God, but all are welcome to ease drop on our conversations. My hope is that you will get a glimpse of my heart and take part in the journey God is leading me on. May you be encouraged by God's faithfulness, challenged by different perspectives, not afraid to wrestle with the tough issues and ready to ask hard questions. That is what I will be doing!

Sometimes I wish I could see God's reaction to things I do or say. How many times has He just shaken his head and laughed at the irony of my words. "I know you way better than you know yourself, my daughter. I have given you passions and gifts you haven't even uncovered yet. Just wait and see! "
When I was ten years old, I remember driving with my mom in our blue mini van. I'm not sure what prompted our conversation, but I said to her, "Mom, I don't want to completely give my life to God. If I do, He might make me be a missionary! That would be terrible!" God must have laughed really hard about that one!

Within a few years God began revealing to me His heart for the nations, and to my surprise my own heart began filling with excitement and unrest. I knew I could be a "missionary" anywhere. The mission of sharing God's love and hope is not contingent on where I am at or what I am doing. I also began learning about the injustices around the world. Like many, I wrestled with the problem of evil and how a good and loving God could allow such autrocities to occur. I continue to wrestle with these "why God" questions, yet it is amazing how when I give everything to Him in prayer, the peace of God, which transcends all understanding truly guards my heart and mind ( Phil. 4: 6-7). God never promised to give me all of the answers, but he did promise to never leave me nor forsake me (Duet. 31:6). Therefore, I can be confident that wherever the Lord leads me, He will be faithful to go before me and walk beside me every step of the way.

"God what do you want from me?" I asked as I walked along the lake at St. Mary's retreat center in Illinios. It was the first semester of my senior year of college and I had taken a day of solitude to get away and spend time just talking with and listening to the Lord. " I wil go wherever you send me, but I just need to know where that is! I want to know you in new ways." God answers prayers.

Cambodia has never been a dream of mine, I've never really pictured myself even going to Asia, but God chose Cambodia for me. When I clicked on the Compassion/Justice track on the Go Corps website, my eyes were immediately drawn to the team helping women trying to come out of the sex trade. I had learned about sex- trafficking during a social justice class my junior year and my heart broke. I have a passion for women and helping them understand what it means to be daughters of the most high king! I love going deep with people and seeing their hearts. Honestly, when I first read about this team, I couldn't have even pointed to Cambodia on a map. I just knew that the vision of this team matched the vision God had placed on my heart. I have since been doing more research on Cambodia and the history of this country, and my heart has continued to break and long for God's hand of restoration on a country that has been devastated by wars, genocides, famines, and pain. God is hope!

Philippians 2: 8-11
" And being found in appearance as a man, Jesus humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross! Therefore, God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

A declaration of victory! Every pimp, brothel owner, rapist, murderer, abuser... every sinner will bow their knee and confess that Jesus is Lord! I do not need to be overwhelmed by the injustices in the world, because victory has already come through Jesus and is coming through Jesus. I have been invited to join God in his kingdom work right here on earth. I won't end sex trafficking in Cambodia or change the culture, but if I can help one women find wholeness and hope in Christ then my two years in Cambodia was well spent!